Call up your Italian friend tomorrow and be like, “Hey, you fuckin’ guinea.” [audience laughs] And he’ll go, [laughs] “I don’t care. We our traumatized by our upbringing, okay? I’m not gonna…” [audience laughs] She goes, “Yeah, I get it.” And I was like, “Good.” [audience laughs] Then she goes, “I’m super horny.” And I go, “Okay.” She goes, “I’m horny the way guys are.” And I go, “No, you’re not.” [audience laughs] Then she goes, “Yeah… I am.” [audience laughs] And I said, “You’re really not.” And she goes, “Yeah, why do you say that?” And I said, “Let me tell you a little story. [audience laughs] I’m just old and blind.” “Don’t forget you’re balding.” And I go, “I know. You’re saying, “I’m fantastic. Don’t want to waste it.” And I go, “What the fuck?” [audience laughs] I said, “Is that what you do around here?” And he goes, “Among other things.” [audience laughs] I said, “Well, then, show me around. Not only was it a British woman who lived her entire life in the UK, she’d never left the town she was born in for 33 years. Fuckin’ no.” [audience laughs] [mumbling] And then I realized, we have this whole population of Cajun people living amongst us, like they’re one of us. I was in a weight loss contest with the fattest man on Earth. When I was a freshman in college, I looked like this. ‘Cause you pull up and you go, “I’ll have a double-double, fries and a Coke.” And they go, “Will you be eating in the car?” [audience laughs] “Yeah, I think so.” [audience laughs] And they go, “I bet you will, you fat, fuckin’ pile of garbage.” Doesn’t that question sting? [audience laughs] When you have a little one, you have a front-row seat for years. All rights reserved. He washed his hands, he tested my vision. Tom Segura: Disgraceful 2018 16+ 1h 11m Stand-Up Comedy Tom Segura gives voice to the sordid thoughts you'd never say out loud, with blunt musings on porn, parking lot … And he goes, “What the hell did you just say to me right now?” [audience laughs] I said, “Fuck his mother, I appreciate her. “Give me a message to get this kick-started.” “I’ll give you a message. People are like, “You all right?” “Yeah. And I said, ‘I’m out of here. And you play it. You brought somebody?” “I didn’t bring anybody.” But… I keep it exciting. I bought weed from a dude in a stand-alone trailer one time. When do you ask a professional athlete for his autograph after a home play-off loss? That shit never got old. I’ve had excellent vision. the biggest honky in America… [laughs] [audience laughs] goes, “Pacman! What the fuck is that all about?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “No. Physical flaws are funny. [audience laughs] I mean, look what I’m doing right now. [audience laughs] It’s moderately funny. Uh… [audience laughs] Will you sign this?” And he said Pac goes, “What the fuck did you say to me?” Which, now, I’m like, “Why are you still there?” [audience laughs] And he’s like, “I think, ’cause I’m actually shitting myself as it happens.” But now he knows he’s got one shot. That’s not true, but… [audience laughs] That was cheap, but that was fun. Now, I’ll be real with you. Some of you guys are like, “Jesus, he’s a real jerk.” I’m not that bad. I feel like life is about timing, you know? And then he checks, rather aggressively, I would add. If you go, “Why are you laughing?” She’ll go, “I’m not.” [giggles] [audience laughs] Okay. Under 4’11” with the hands.” “Oh, okay.” [audience laughs] Now you know what I’m saying. There’s a bunch of Seguras down there. [audience laughs] And then you’ll go, “Shit.” And the bed will open. Not personal. -[audience laughs] -And I’m pretty fuckin’ excited about it. One time, I was in Vietnam, and some Viet Cong tried to sell my marines marijuana. You can’t say “midget.” Goddamn it. FREE Shipping on orders over $25.00. And fear shooting down my spine. Edit Artist ; Share. I don’t give a shit.” Let you do something like that guy in the park, and then look at me like, “Are you gonna help out?” You should know something. They’re allowed at my shows. And it’s tough to accept. Why is this…?” They’re like, “It’s not supposed to come outta you, bro.” So, I get that reaction, or I get people who are like, “You speak Spanish? No one batted an eye. Very funny. Why am I eating in my car?” [audience laughs] ‘Cause if you say no, they give you a bag, and they’re like, “Leave with dignity.” But if you say yes, it’s an open tray, and they go, “Eat out of that, pig.” [audience laughs] And then it falls in your lap and they go, “Pick it up!” [audience laughs] And you’re like, [mumbling] “Hot dog, french fries.” “Are you gonna jerk off when you get home ’cause you’re lonely?” And you’re like, “Yes, yes.” “We’re gonna give you a free milkshake because you’re bummin’ everybody out. I’ll lay in bed and I’ll be like, “Who’s been a good boy? And somebody pulled out a marijuana cigarette. It looks just fuckin’ like me. I was blown away. And I guess the people are like, “It does suck!” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Well, get this fuckin’ bed. And if you’ve never been… [audience cheering] If you’ve never been in In-N-Out, get your fuckin’ life together and go. They had Mass he has trapped in a Spanish-speaking household, which is terrible, she... 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